STUFF MY FAVORITE SISTER SENT ME

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Florida."
And they say blondes are dumb...

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

PURSES!




I never gave it a thought. Who'd a thunk? Have you
ever noticed gals who sit their purses on public
restroom floors - that go directly to their dining
tables? Happens a lot! It's not always the
restaurant food that causes stomach distress.
Sometimes "what you don't know 'will' hurt you"!

Read on...Mom got so upset when a guest came in the
door and plopped their purses down on the counter
where she was cooking or setting up the buffet. She
always said that purses are really dirty, because of
where they have been. Smart Momma!!!

It's something just about every woman carries with
them. While we may know what's inside our purses, do
you have any idea what's on the outside? Shauna Lake
put purses to the test - for bacteria - with
surprising results. You may think twice about where
you put your purse. Women carry purses everywhere;
from the office to public restrooms to the floor of
the car. Most women won't be caught without their
purses, but did you ever stop to think about where
your purse goes during the day?

"I drive a school bus, so my purse has been on the
floor of the bus a lot," says one woman. "On the floor
of my car, probably in restrooms." "I put my purse in
grocery shopping carts, on the floor of bathroom
stalls while changing a diaper," says another woman
and of course in my home which should be clean."

We decided to find out if purses harbor a lot of
bacteria. We learned how to test them at Nelson
Laboratories in Salt Lake , and then we set out to test
the average woman's purse. Most women told us they
didn't stop to think about what was on the bottom of
their purse. Most said they usually set their purses
on top of kitchen tables and counters where food is
prepared. Most of the ladies we talked to told us they
wouldn't be surprised if their purses were at least a
little bit dirty. It turns out purses are so
surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested
them was shocked.

Microbiologist Amy Karren of Nelson Labs says nearly
all of the purses tested were not only high in
bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria.
Pseudomonas can cause eye infections, staphylococcus
aurous can cause serious skin infections, and
salmonella and e-coli found on the purses could make
people very sick. In one sampling, four of five purses
tested positive for salmonella, and that's not the
worst of it. "There is fecal contamination on the
purses," says Amy.

Leather or vinyl purses tended to be cleaner than
cloth purses, and lifestyle seemed to play a role.
People with kids tended to have dirtier purses than
those without, with one exception. The purse of one
single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the
worst contaminations of all. "Some type of feces, or
even possibly vomit or something like that," says Amy.

So the moral of this story - your purse won't kill
you, but it does have the potential to make you very
sick if you keep it on places where you eat. Use hooks
to hang your purse at home and in restrooms, and don't
put it on your desk, a restaurant table, or on your
kitchen countertop. Experts say you should think of
your purse the same way you would a
pair of shoes. "If you think about putting a pair of
shoes onto your countertops, that's the same thing
you're doing when you put your purse on the
countertops" - your purse has gone where every
individual before you has spat, coughed, urinated,
emptied bowels, etc!

Do you really want to bring that home with you? The
microbiologists at Nelson also said cleaning a purse
will help. Wash cloth purses and use leather cleaner
to clean the bottom of leather purses.


THIS IS WORTH SHARING!!!

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, He told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."

SENIOR'S SENSE OF HUMOR

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the
French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he
had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have
your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then
he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."


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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old
goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"